I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
