so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
i think i just naturally attract stoners
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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