First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
