so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
