I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
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