Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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