i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
