omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
The beer is more important than you right now.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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