He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
