I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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