He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize