Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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