SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
