Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
