he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
