I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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