3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
