She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
