I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
