It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
well you can't waste a boner
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
