The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
