If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
