If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
