You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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