It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
