I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I'm passing your future prison.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize