You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
