They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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