well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
