Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
