i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
