So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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