Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
