The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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