this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
