I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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