I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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