You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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