And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
