So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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