You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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