he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
