how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
