2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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