I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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