I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think I died a long time ago.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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