Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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