if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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