Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
