How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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