Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
