well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
