If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
