She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
