yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
