Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
