At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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