I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
