i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
