How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize