I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
