update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Randomize