I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
