He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
