theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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