his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Randomize
