i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
If that was your dad, he is hot
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
